Open Journal: Embracing The New
Open Journal: Embracing My New Adventure
August 5, 2024
As I sit down to write, I feel a mix of emotions about the dream project I’ve embarked on. It’s a moment of excitement and vulnerability—a chance to finally step into an arena I’ve longed to be a part of for years. Yet, despite the pride and confidence I feel, there's a creeping fear that nags at the edges of my mind. It whispers doubts and fears, echoing the haunting memories of past endeavors that didn’t pan out.
Closing my studio and seeing other pathways close before they even began left scars, and with those scars comes the fear of having to once again explain to those around me why something didn’t work out. But this time feels different. I can feel it in my bones. This time, it feels like I’m stepping into the light I’ve been seeking for so long.
I’ve always believed that things not meant for us will be washed away to make space for new growth, but I’m determined not to drag old baggage into this new chapter. Yet, here I am, wrestling with imposter syndrome. When I'm alone, I feel invincible, like I’ve got it all figured out—my world, my rules. But then, enter stage left—the world, with its opinions, cancel culture, and the nagging voice that questions my worth.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” it asks. “Why do you think you can do this?” That voice, the one that calls me a washed-up, middle-aged housewife, echoes in my mind, reminding me of the anxiety, depression, and isolation that I’ve always carried with me. These things make me who I am; they shape my devil-may-care persona that others find alluring until they can’t keep up or understand my hyper-realistic view of the world.
I crave solitude, yet I long for praise. I want to be part of the game, but I hate the game. I want to be seen as beautiful, but don’t you dare look at me. What am I trying to figure out here? Am I just trying to not screw this up? Maybe. Perhaps I’m looking to tear a page from Joseph Campbell’s book and create an archetype that makes me the hero of this part of my story.
On my left thigh, I have a tattoo of Joan of Arc, my go-to archetype for strength and an unwavering spirit. She’s always there, leading me forward. But now, it’s time to pick a new one—someone who embodies the cronehood I’m entering. At 46, I need an archetype that is older, wiser, badass, and sexy. I’m looking for historical women of European descent, especially Norwegian, to resonate with my ancestry. I personally have no idea if this is true. My mother took an ancestry DNA test that was pretty popular a few years back, and it said that we are 96 or 98% European. But again... everything is bullshit, truly I am a mudblood.
Inspiring Women and Figures
Here are a few women who might inspire this new chapter:
Vigdis Finnbogadóttir - The first female president of Iceland and the world’s first democratically elected female head of state. Her strength and leadership continue to inspire.
Sigrid the Haughty (Sigrid Storråda) - A powerful queen of Norway and Sweden known for her independence and defiance.
Gudrid Thorbjarnardóttir - A Norse explorer and the first European woman to give birth in North America, showcasing courage and adventure.
Hildegard of Bingen - A German Benedictine abbess, writer, composer, philosopher, and visionary known for her wisdom and spiritual insight.
Astrid Lindgren - The beloved Swedish author of Pippi Longstocking, who used her voice to speak out for children’s rights and creativity.
Boudica - A fierce warrior queen of the Iceni tribe in Britain who led a major uprising against the Roman Empire.
Lagertha - A legendary Viking shieldmaiden and warrior, reputed to have fought alongside men and led her own army.
Brynhildr - A valkyrie in Norse mythology known for her strength and independence, as well as her tragic love story.
Gráinne Mhaol (Grace O’Malley) - An Irish pirate queen and chieftain known for her prowess on the sea and her leadership skills.
Freyja - A Norse goddess associated with love, beauty, war, and death. She is a symbol of powerful feminine energy and independence.
These women and figures represent resilience, wisdom, and strength—qualities I hope to embody as I continue this journey. They remind me that I am capable, even when the world tries to tell me otherwise. As I embrace this new adventure, I carry with me the courage to face my fears and the determination to succeed, not for the world’s approval, but for myself.
Reflecting on My Journey
Already, exploring these figures makes me feel better. I constantly remind myself that it’s okay to work hard just to prep for work. I have to seduce myself into focusing, much like I would seduce a lover. It shouldn’t be this hard, but I do it. I've been listening to the same song on repeat for the last two weeks—it keeps my train on its tracks.
Why am I sharing all this? Why am I pouring my heart out on the web like a peep show? Well, I suppose it’s because I know everyone loves a good peep show, but also because I want to be held accountable. If you can’t know me, understand me, or know my goals and intentions, how will you ever know if I reach them or if I need help achieving my goals and dreams?
I don’t want to be private anymore. I want you to see how hard I work to do what I do. I want you to see the failures and successes and learn from all of it. I want to teach you—if you’re interested in this type of work—how I do what I do so you can do it too.
Takeaway
As I continue on this journey, I am reminded that every step I take, whether forward or backward, is part of a greater story. Embracing vulnerability is a strength, and sharing my struggles can be a source of inspiration for others who might be fighting similar battles. This process teaches me that it’s okay to be a work in progress, and that seeking help and community can turn fear into fuel for growth. In the end, the most significant takeaway is that I am enough as I am, and with each new day, I can choose to redefine success on my own terms. Together, we can navigate the complexities of life, support each other, and find beauty in our shared experiences.